Her name is Missy. She is a 15-inch-long Pekingese with a dirty white-ish-beige fur coat and frog eyes popping out from her tiny head. My cousin has been dating his gf for about over a year now and Missy has unfortunately become a fixture in his household, which I visit every weekend. Sitting on top of all the sofas, leaving her nasty hair everywhere, strutting around the house as if she owned the place, she wreaks havoc upon the unsuspecting family members who bend down to pet her...namely, Me. Do I have cat breath? Did I eat dog in my past life? Why does she hate me so?
When I have food in my hands or when she thinks I'm going to eat something, she runs over to me, gives me that big-eyed puppy look and goes on her two hind legs to beg for food. I'm not supposed to give her human food because she usually vomits everything out, like a selfish fat kid who couldn't stop eating ice cream. For a split second I think that she has reformed, a born-again Agnes-lover. I take advantage of her in her hypnotic state and pet her. Awww, how precious...she likes me! But I am gravely wrong. The biyatch is a deceitful, conniving master con-dog. Once she obtains her treat, she reverts back to Dr. Jekyll and doesn't let me pet her. She's like that so-called friend who is only nice to you when she needs something but ignores you and has PMS all the other times. Once I was cooking, she stared at me THE WHOLE TIME, hoping that something will drop on the floor. I thought about accidentally dropping a piece of jalapeno pepper on the floor, but I'm not that cruel. Then she continued to stare at me as I ate my food. I felt really awkward, as if a homeless person was watching me eat a juicy steak. My mom taught me as a child that it's rude to stare at someone eat!
Back to my urgency to touch furry things. Missy has long fur, she's small and definitely squeezable (if she wasn't so evil) so of course I get temporary Alzheimer's whenever I pass by her and try to pet her. My brain says in slow motion, "NOOOO!!! DOOOOON'T DOOOO IT!!!!" But my hand quickly says, "Must. Touch. So. Furry!" I pet her and her lips start quivering, exposing her tiny incisors as if she was warning me to step away. But I don't heed the call and I quickly pet her, this time making contact with her back. The barking ensues, a high pitched sound combined with intermittent coughing. The intensity of her barks reverberates throughout her body, causing it to jump back a bit. I stare at this petite monstrosity in awe. Do you think you scare me? Do you think your bites would hurt me? I'm a freakin' giant compared to you. You're such a pathetic dog who tries to be tough but I know deep down you're terrified of me...Eh, who am I kidding, I'm the pathetic one trying to make a dog like me.
When I have food in my hands or when she thinks I'm going to eat something, she runs over to me, gives me that big-eyed puppy look and goes on her two hind legs to beg for food. I'm not supposed to give her human food because she usually vomits everything out, like a selfish fat kid who couldn't stop eating ice cream. For a split second I think that she has reformed, a born-again Agnes-lover. I take advantage of her in her hypnotic state and pet her. Awww, how precious...she likes me! But I am gravely wrong. The biyatch is a deceitful, conniving master con-dog. Once she obtains her treat, she reverts back to Dr. Jekyll and doesn't let me pet her. She's like that so-called friend who is only nice to you when she needs something but ignores you and has PMS all the other times. Once I was cooking, she stared at me THE WHOLE TIME, hoping that something will drop on the floor. I thought about accidentally dropping a piece of jalapeno pepper on the floor, but I'm not that cruel. Then she continued to stare at me as I ate my food. I felt really awkward, as if a homeless person was watching me eat a juicy steak. My mom taught me as a child that it's rude to stare at someone eat!
Back to my urgency to touch furry things. Missy has long fur, she's small and definitely squeezable (if she wasn't so evil) so of course I get temporary Alzheimer's whenever I pass by her and try to pet her. My brain says in slow motion, "NOOOO!!! DOOOOON'T DOOOO IT!!!!" But my hand quickly says, "Must. Touch. So. Furry!" I pet her and her lips start quivering, exposing her tiny incisors as if she was warning me to step away. But I don't heed the call and I quickly pet her, this time making contact with her back. The barking ensues, a high pitched sound combined with intermittent coughing. The intensity of her barks reverberates throughout her body, causing it to jump back a bit. I stare at this petite monstrosity in awe. Do you think you scare me? Do you think your bites would hurt me? I'm a freakin' giant compared to you. You're such a pathetic dog who tries to be tough but I know deep down you're terrified of me...Eh, who am I kidding, I'm the pathetic one trying to make a dog like me.
So now I'm trying to ignore her, walk past her without making eye contact with her. But she continues to harass me when I eat, getting all up in my grill. Luckily I found a way to scare her off--my Sonicare toothbrush. Ooooooh yes.
No comments:
Post a Comment