Eggs for Sale?

My coworkers and I talk always about random things. Squirrels break dancing, licking salt off of someone's back, moon diets, how nose rings make it easier to pull out boogers. Somehow we got into the subject of women selling their eggs for anywhere from $4000 to $50,000, and I said, "Hey, I could pay off my tuition with my eggs!" People would pay big money for my little ones...well, at least the desperate ones who can't have babies would. A list of my finest attributes:

• Relatively smart (UCLA alumna, soon to be NYU grad student). I say relatively because I'm not Alex Trabek smart but I'm not Paris Hilton stupid either.


• Healthy. I have perfect vision, I can eat a lot of sugar and not get diabetes, and I stay in shape by walking to and from my car each day.


• Musically inclined. I haven't had piano lessons in over 10 years, but I can still play an impressive rendition of Mary Had a Little Lamb and my fav, Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.


• Artistic. I can draw monkeys while blindfolded and hanging upside down from a tree. Not too many people can do that.


• Loving. I'm patient, peaceful and considerate. Nobody wants a bratty, angry, violent kid so my loving genes will be passed on.

So I'm guessing my precious eggs could go for $50,000 or to the highest bidder. Or worst case scenario, couples are only willing to pay $4000 for my eggs, forcing me to have 15 procedures to extract my eggs to cover the cost of my tuition. Coincidentally, I came across an article today about donor eggs. It made me think, "Oh hell no, I'm not selling my eggs unless I'm on the verge becoming homeless." According to the NY Times article, to prepare myself for the extraction, I would have to take drugs to stop my menstruation and take daily hormone injections for several weeks to stimulate my ovaries to produce a bunch of mature eggs all at once. Where there are drugs, there are side effects: weight gain, moodiness and irritability, and in rare cases, blood clots and kidney failure...aka...you could DIE. In order for my eggs to be taken out, a thin needle is inserted in my va-ja-ja into the ovary to retrieve the eggs. I'd be given anesthesia, but what if the doctor moves a tenth of a millimeter and punctures my fallopian tubes or something else and I bleed? You can't put a band aid on a fallopian tube! Or worse, what if the doctor sneezes and the needle breaks off inside of me? Also, how far can you go into my va-ja-ja that you can see my ovaries? And how wide are they going to stretch me open?

I also thought to myself, my eggs could become a real person one day. Knowing my bad karma, one of these kids could end up killing me or hurting me. Explanation: I was a rude teenager who often argued with my mom. She said that when I have kids of my own, she hopes that I'll be poorly treated the way that I treated her (update: I've treated her very well after the teenage years). The smartass thinker that I was (and still am), I told her that I wasn't going to have kids. (And I still don't want to have kids but my mom's curse isn't the main reason why.) One day, the moon and stars will be aligned and I could get into a car accident with my "child" or he could be pyscho (blame it on the sperm donor) and kill me while I'm sleeping or if it's a female, she could be the young, jealous office girl who is trying to seduce my husband and kills me to be with him. Anything is possible.

For the time being, my eggs aren't for sale.